There are several myths perpetuated within Christian circles about “community.” One that we tend to spread quite a bit in small group circles is that small groups are the utopia of life– the perfect communities. “Come to a small group,” we say “because it is the most important thing we do as a church,” “you will find your best friends,” “you will do life together,” “you will find accountability,” and on and on. We pour all of our relational eggs into the small group basket only to find that it’s not always true, and people leave disappointed. When you say the word “community,” different people will draw different mental pictures. There are as many pictures of “community” as there are people. People tend to come into small groups with different ideas, expectations, and opinions about what the small group should be. Is it a one-night Bible study? A fellowship group? An accountability group? We—and when I say “we†I mean the church in general—keep promising people this idea of community but it always seems just out of reach.
As small group leaders, how do we paint a Biblical and realistic picture of community, how do we foster that, and how do we navigate the different expectations that are brought into our groups?
Most of these questions cannot be answered in these notes because we explored them as a group at the retreat. However, I will post some notes about relational spaces that will help us understand what sort of community we are working towards.
Four Relational Spaces
There are 4 relational spaces:
- Public: People connect through external forces or shared experiences.
- Social: People connect to one another through shared interests.
- Personal: People connect to one another through the sharing of private thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
- Intimate: People connect with one another through the sharing of naked thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
Let’s put some skin on these spaces to better understand what sort of connections happen within them:
- Public: On any given Saturday, I can connect with 80,000 of my best friends at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. When I am at an LSU football game, I feel like I am at “home.” I’ve never given one cent to build that stadium (besides my ticket price and college tuition, I guess), but I feel like I “own” it, and my sense of “belonging” to that place is significant. I find myself slapping high fives and hugging people I’ve never even met. We are connected by a passion for LSU. At a Nationals game, I became best friends with a fellow Braves fan. We spent about an hour reminiscing about the 1982 Braves roster. I don’t think we even shared each others’ names, but there was a level of connection that happened around that shared experience. When you stand in line at the grocery store or at an amusement park, you may connect with other people in that line. As you ride the metro into work, you may find yourself joking with or talking with other riders.
- Social: Social space is a smaller circle. People connect around shared interests. When I go back to LSU for a game and I stop off at the College of Biological Engineering for an alumni tailgate party, I’ve entered social space. I know some of these folks personally, others by reputation, and some not at all. But there is a deeper level of connection that can occur as we discuss common interests and careers (well, some of them, I guess!) We can reminisce about classes and projects and professors. You probably find social space at work or at the gym. If you belong to clubs or sports teams or are involved in any sort of extra-curriculuar activities, you are probably moving within social space.
- Personal: Personal space is the realm where your “friends” exist. These are people that you share life with. They are the people that come from your social space circles that you want to hang out with beyond social space spheres. They are the people that go to your house for dinner and vice-versa. They are the people that you go to movies with and talk about life with. You share personal things with them and pray with them.
- Intimate: This is the deepest level of community and, with the exception of your spouse, should be entered into only with people of the same gender. This is where you confess sin and hold one another accountable. This is where you share things with people who you trust. Most people probably only develop about 6 intimate space relationships over the course of their lives.
Let’s look at these spaces through a Biblical and NCC filter.
- Public: Jesus spent time with the hundreds and thousands. He had lots of people in his public space. At NCC, public space is found at our weekend services.
- Social: Jesus had a smaller band of 70. He sent these people on mission trips. At NCC, social space is often found at Catacombs events, Super Bowl parties, Turkey Bowls, and Connection Cafes. And Alpha Kick-off Dinner is social space.
- Personal: Jesus had an even smaller band of 12– his disciples. He made no apologies for these differences in community. Most small groups should probably be striving for this level of community.
- Intimtate: Jesus had an even smaller community of 3– Peter, James, and John. He shared experiences with these guiys that were not shared with the others. Intimate space is found at NCC as people develop small accountability and/or mentorship relationships. These relationships often develop naturally within small groups, but the intimate space is taken outside of the small group context.
It’s important to realize that there is a lot of gray space between social and personal and between personal and intimate. A lot of small groups, especially interest groups, tend to begin in social space. As small group leaders, we need to move them towards personal space.
Relating the Four Spaces to Your Group
Group Goals. The goal of an NCC small group is not intimate space. Some people come into your group looking for that. Or perhaps you have tried for years to create it. That level of transparency and accountability should be encouraged, but it should not take place within the small group itself. Intimate space cannot be assigned or manufactured. It must develop organically. You can encourage intimate space by teaching on it, modeling it, and helping those in your group to connect.
Move Through the Spaces. It’s important not to get “stuck” at any one level in your group. If you’ve achieved personal space within your small group, don’t stay there. Make sure you spend some time playing and interacting with one another in public space and social space, as well. Accountability groups turn into drudgery when the members stop relating to one another as “friends” and stop playing together. When all you do is intimate space stuff, it becomes draining. Move your group in and out of personal, social, and public space experiences to create a healthy community. (**Note: for some groups, this doesn’t work. Some groups are designed to be temporary intimate spaces where difficult issues are addressed– Boundaries or Sexual and Relational Brokenness groups. Groups such as these create intimate space for very defined periods of time and purposes. Moving these groups into public and social space or keeping the group together for too long could actually be detrimental. Most groups, however, do not fall into this category).
Have Intimate “Moments.” Look for opportunities to have intimate “moments” with individuals in your group. Jesus did this all the time. When there is major life change or a crisis, you can step into a group member’s intimate space briefly to help them grow in a specific area. A leader is skilled at recognizing those teachable moments to pop in and out of intimate space to help a member grow.
Questions for Leaders. Consider where you spend the majority of your time as a leader? Who are the people in your public, social, personal, and intimate spaces? Who do you let into those spaces? You need to relate in all spheres, and you need to ensure that you’ve got intimate space relationships.
For more reading on this topic, check out Joseph Myers’ book The Search to Belong.
wow this is amazing heather. thanks!
heidi scanlon
January 26th, 2007